My died when I was 17 years old and my step-dad died when I was 18 years old. My entire adult life, I have always carried a bit of an empty feeling on Father's Day. Of course when my fathers were still with us I was too young to truly appreciate them. I don't think a lot about my dads or Father's Day and when I think about them I certainly don't talk about them. Why? It makes me sad and the best way to avoid sadness is to pretend that whatever makes me sad is "no big deal" or doesn't exist. Ignoring the sad things is much easier when you also don't have contact with the people that bring those feelings of sadness to the surface. In previous years it has been easy to ignore what Father's Day means to me, and does to me, because it's me and D chillin' at the house-just the two of us. Now, with the invention of facebook it's a lot harder to ignore. I'm not complaining, in some weird, psychological way, it's probably a good thing. You know, face your "demons" and all that...
What my fathers mean to me.
My dad. I remember my dad being a part of my life from my very first memory, but I don't have a lot of memories of him. I grew up in SE Portland (mostly) and in my elementary years my dad never lived far from us but we didn't see him all that often. Let me take a step back, I say we because my brother, Brian, and I had different dads but we both called JoJo Browning Dad, and he called us both two of his children. My brother probably has as many memories of my dad as I do. Even when my dad and my mother were no longer together he called my brother his son and treated him as his son. So, we didn't see dad very often but when we did it was always very comfortable and we didn't miss a beat. My dad was funny and loving, but he was stearn too. Maybe strict is a better word. I remember one time my brother got in trouble and got a spanking and I got one too because "if dad hadn't caught us I would have been doing the same thing as Brian". I don't remember my dad ever yelling. I remember getting in trouble and punishments, but I don't remember him yelling. My dad used to show me pictures of my other brothers and sisters, two of each, who lived in Texas, and tell me stories about them. My most vivid memories of my dad are visiting him in Texas during summer vacation. I remember helping him feed his animals, going with him to Canton (kind of like a HUGE flea market) and on my last night each summer we would go out for dinner-just the two of us. Oh, I also got to share the joy of "starting" while visiting dad one summer. I'm not sure who was more uncomfortable, me or him. My dad was... my dad. I didn't know him well, but I know he loved his kids and grand-kids. He loved his entire family, and his way of showing it was to tease you, sometimes to the point of tears! I miss you daddy and I love you.
Gary, my step-dad. When my mom married my step-dad we (again, me and Brian) also gained a brother and a sister. I am most thankful for them. Gary was a lot like my dad, he loved to tease you and that was often his way of showing affection. I knew Gary, as a person, much better than I knew my own father and our family had a lot of inside jokes-we laughed a lot. Like any family, there were bad times and I clearly remember many of them, but I also remember so many good times it would take way too long to list them all here. Things that remind me of Gary are Hamm's beer, Mountain Dew, Hershey's chocolate bars, fishing, homemade french fries and a little restaurant in SE Portland, the name of it escapes me now-something Tree-where we used to go once in a while for family dinners. Gary was the "dad that raised me" and I miss him as much as I do my own "real" dad.
I am saddened that both of these men passed on so young, both in such different but equally tragic ways. I am sad that they did not get to meet all of their grandchildren. I know DJ would have loved them both and they both would have gotten a kick out of her witty personality. I am mostly sad that I didn't get to tell either of them what they meant to me; how could I when I didn't appreciate them until I had my own child?
On this day I will be thinking of both my dads and loving you both with all my heart.
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