A letter to DJ.

Dear D.J.

Here you are, 13 years old. I remember when you were born, how you looked just like your daddy and how happy that made me. I remember the first time you stood on your own, you were nine months old and Grandma Vicki turned on Barney for the first time. You were so excited you stood right up and watched the whole show. I remember saying goodbye to you a couple of weeks later, you were staying at dads while I went back to Germany to exit out of the Army. I ended up being gone for three very long months. I remember that you waited for me before you took your first steps. It was your first birthday and I had come home just the day before. I remember your first day of pre-school, kindergarten and middle school. I remember your first plane ride and your first plane ride alone. There are so many memories, mostly good, that I could never list them all.

I am so proud of the person you are, D.J. You are strong willed, independent, witty, cocky and sarcastic. You are also funny, loving, sweet and a defender of the defenseless. D.J. You have a strong work ethic, you make good choices and you even at 13 you have a healthy outlook on life.

I don't know exactly what or who I imagined you to be at this age, but I could have never guessed how wonderful you would be. That I could help to create such a precious being, a person with such a wonderful personality and super cute to boot! I am just amazed by you and there is not a day that goes by that I don't thank God for you. Literally, I thank God (out loud) for allowing me to be your mother.

I love you Deej. I hope this birthday is fabulous, amazing and everything you deserve.

Love,

Mom

Your Last Kiss

I like routine. I actually need routine. Every morning (Monday through Friday) I wake up, do some form of exercise, feed the dogs and let them out, shower, wake up DJ, make our lunches for the day, then say my goodbyes to everyone in the house so I can head to work.The one variation in the morning routine is whether or not I exercise before work or wait until after so I can sleep in an extra 30 minutes or so. The rest of the routine, well it stays the same.

Giving DJ a hug and a kiss goodbye is the last thing I do before I walk out the door every morning, to get my day off to a good start. I'm a believer that we have to tell the ones we love them and I like to hug and kiss the kids as much as I can; kid hugs and kisses are the best. Today when I was hugging and kissing DJ goodbye (on the cheek-I think she'd want me to make that clear) and telling her to have a good day at school I realized that this is the last morning I would kiss my 12-year-old goodbye. Tomorrow, when I send her off to school and tell her to enjoy her day I will be talking to a teenager. *sigh*

This morning I was little outside my routine because I had to go to my brothers to swap cars. I got to kiss my two handsome nephews, Joshua and Nathanial, goodbye too.

It was a good morning, full of love and kisses.

Diabetes is a Joke

So, if you're my friend on facebook or if you've read any of my blog you know that my daughter has diabetes. DJ was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes exactly one year ago yesterday, just before her seventh birthday. (Isn't she cute?) When she was diagnosed I remember being so sad. I honestly don't remember feeling like "why us" or being scared. I have heard horror stories about children being violently ill or even in a coma before finding out they have diabetes. We were lucky enough to have a well child check up and an amazing pediatrician who asked all the right questions and caught it before it progressed to that point, so there was really nothing scarey about the way DJ looked or acted. I also didn't know enough about diabetes to know there was a reason to be scared.

When DJ was diagnosed I was sad because I knew that there was something wrong inside her body that I could not fix and I also thought I must have done something to make this happen. After much education I learned that this wasn't anybody's fault and that as long as we treated DJ's diabetes there was no reason she couldn't live a long, healthy life. Still, I was sad that she had to live with this mess, possibly for the rest of her life.

Something you may not know, there are two things about me that just don't jive too well with diabetes. 1) I love (I do mean LOVE) to sleep and 2) I am terrible at math!

When DJ was diagnosed she was finally old enough to grab a bowl of cereal or a snack and watch cartoons so Mommy could sleep in, just a little. I had just had this realization, and was most happy about it, when she was diagnosed and suddenly I was getting up at 2:00 a.m. every morning to test her (this went on for months) and I still burn a lot of midnight oil taking care of highs and lows and consoling a child that just does not feel well.

What does diabetes have to do with math, you say? We count every gram of carbs that go into DJ's mouth (subtracing dietary fiber if it's a substantial amount), we had to figure out how many points a unit of insulin will lower DJ's blood sugar (this changes as she gets older) and then there is a formula for how many units of insulin she should get depending on how many grams of carbs and what her blood sugar is when she's ready to eat. Now that DJ is on the pump, it does a lot of the work. My main job now is to download all the data from the pump, look for patterns in her numbers and figure out (guess) where to raise or lower her insulin and by how much.

Last night I got to bed after 10:00 p.m. (late for me) and DJ came to me at 3:00 a.m. not feeling well. I had her get in my bed and I tested her, to find out she's over 400 when just five hours earlier I was struggling to get her blood sugar to a safe number (80-180). So, I tested her, gave her some insulin and literally laughed out loud!

I do believe God has a sense of humor and when I find myself getting to my wits end with diabetes I just remind myelf of this and I have to laugh right along with him.

Something You're Currently Worrying About

I took a little break from the 30 day blog because I didn't have any worries significant enough to write about. I have one now.

I feel like I've gotten pretty laid back in the past year or so. I try to let things roll off  my back and just go with the flow as much as I can. Over the past week I feel my quick temper returning and this morning I think I might have had a mini aneurysm because I was so pissed. Exercise is supposed to help, right? Yeah, well... I've been working out 5 days a week and I still want to rip somebody's head off!

Maybe it's the stress of DJ's birthday and the Walk to Cure Diabetes coming up? I always feel so much pressure for things to go perfectly. How dumb is that? For both functions we will be surrounded with friends and family that love us and that is really all that matters!

Anyway, pray for me my friends. Let's hope that I can keep my cool and stay out of trouble. I'm going to need all the help I can get!

Have a great one and I'll be seein' you soon!

Your Opinion on Cheating on People

It's wrong.

Don't do it.

The end.

Who Do You Like

Who do I like? Who do I like? Do you mean like or "like-like"??? What am I TWELVE?

As if I would tell you that. In a blog, no less. I might have a big mouth, talk about myself all the time and share with you all most of my biz... but some things are private. Talking about my relationships, or potential relationships, or the hope of a potential relationship , is not something I do with just anybody. What kinda girl do you think I am?

I don't update my Facebook relationship status and I rarely comment about the person I'm seeing when I am seeing someone. Why? Because it's none of your business and until the kids are involved and we're taking "family" trips to the beach, you just don't need to know. There's not much worse than having to explain to everyone why a relationship didn't work out. Yuk! The explaining to everyone is sometimes far worse than the fact that it didn't work!

Who do I like?

smh

5 Things That Irritate You About the Opposite Sex/Same Sex

Five??? I only get FIVE?

1) I really don't like when two people start dating and one forces the other to change they way they dress. I broke up with someone once because he wore a Kraft Mac 'n Cheese shirt. Every day. I didn't tell him I didn't like, didn't ask him to change it, just said "we need to talk". His response was pretty funny, but since children have access to this blog I will not post it here. I digress, he was one of the nicest, not to mention a hottie, guys I've ever dated but I couldn't do the Kraft dinosaur shirt. On a serious note, for those of you that know me well, you know that if you try to tell me what I can and can't do (wear), I am likely to do the opposite just to prove a point, so I refuse to do it to someone else. Also, I was like 20-years-old. Today it might not bother me quite as much. Or the shirt might disappear. KIDDING!

2) Everybody argues. Everybody has problems. You should NOT broadcast your problems with your significant other to everyone and their mother. We all need to vent; pick a couple of friends and talk to them when you need to. That being said, a friend is not someone who agrees with you about everything and talks shit about your significant other when you happen to be mad. A friend is someone who will listen and let you know not only when you're right but also when you need to stop being a b**** and cut the guy some slack.

3) If you are in your 30's and still single or single again, you are likely going to have friends of the opposite sex. You should not have to disown your friends because you met someone new. It sucks when you see a friend, saaayyy in the grocery store, and they give you the nod and smile because they are with their new girlfriend or boyfriend. This weekend I was at Safeway and saw an old friend and this is exactly what happened. I used to get a hug and an arm around the shoulder and chit-chat about the kids and our parents. My feelings were really hurt, but I get it because I've been there before. In my early 20's!

4) If you say you're going to call me, call me. If you forget, say you forgot.

5) You know how when you first meet someone new and you want to spend all your time with them and talking to them? That's normal. That's great. Know that it will eventually fade and you both must join the rest of us here in the real world. It doesn't mean he/she doesn't "love" you, doesn't mean he/she is mad at you. It means they have a job, kids, friends, a life outside of you!

The list really could go on an on people but I will sign off for today. Have a good one and enjoy the sunshine. The leaves are falling off the trees already, autumn is on it's way.

Tribute to 9/11

When I heard the news of the terrorist attack on the World Trade Center in New York City I was three years out of the Army and living with my mother in Gresham, Oregon. My first thought was that it was some kind of sick joke; the radio station I listened to at the time was big on playing practical jokes-often times highly inappropriate, sick jokes. I turned on the television and, like the rest of the world, was shocked and apalled by what I saw.

My first thoughts were for the people in the buildings and the planes, of course. My second thoughts were thoughts of concern for the rescue workers. My third thought, and it took me about a  minute to get here, was concern about the fallout of this terrorist attack. Being just a few years out of the Army I had a lot of friends, close friends who I considered (and still do) my family, that were still serving. I knew it was a matter of time before my loved ones were caught up in this mess. Realistically, they were caught up the second the attack happened and it was a matter of time before some of them, maybe all of them, were shipped off to foreign lands to help bring justice for these heinous acts of violence.

I was glued to the television and when I wasn't watching the coverage I was trying to get a sense of what was to come from one of my best friends who happened to be working security for General Tommy Franks, the U.S. general leading the attack on the Taliban in Afghanistan in response to the September 11 attacks on the World Trade Center and The Pentagon in 2001. He also led the 2003 invasion of Iraq and the overthrow of Saddam Hussein.

I was in the Army for seven years and never did I have to deploy or face any kind of combat. After the 9/11 attacks happened I was full of relief that I could sit in my comfortable home, holding my perfect child and filled with guilt that so many people I loved would have to go fight for my right to be where I was at that moment. I felt like I should be there, standing beside my brothers and sisters and doing what I could to show this great nation the love and respect it deserves. I know now that I was exactly where I was supposed to be and there is a reason for everything.

In the past 10 years most of the friends I made while in the Army that were still serving at the time of the attacks have deployed at least once, the friend mentioned above has deployed four times-twice to Iraq and twice to Afganistan. I have heard very few first hand accounts of what's going on over there, just enough to know that I was and am in the right place for me. The amount of strength and courage it takes to deploy to a foreign land and face an enemy you can't always see... Well, I can't even imagine what that is like.

I just want to thank all the men and women who have served and still serve, those who have signed up to fight since the attacks-knowing they will have to face this enemy, the victims, families and loved ones of the World Trade Center attacks and the families that support their soldiers for months and years at a time. My heart also goes out to the people of the world that will be judged for years to come because they are Muslim or they happen to be from Iraq or Afghanistan, and US citizens that happen to be of Middle Eastern decent that will be judged simply because of their heritage.

I hope this war will come to an end soon and the survivors and the soldiers/sailors/airmen will know that their service has not been for nothing. No matter what your religious beliefs, political stance or feelings on this war, let us all shower love upon those that were and are directly affected by this war.

Much love.

What You Wear to Bed

Boooorrrring! I don't make up the rules though, so here goes.

When I go to be I wear a tank top and pajama pants usually. Something like this:

Honestly though, when I'm home alone (DJ is at her dads), it's usually my birthday suit. It's more comfortable and saves time in the morning. Yes, I am just that lazy. Ooohhh how I love being in my birthday suit... When DJ's not home I do most things in that suit o' mine... I watch TV... I load the dishwasher... I do laundry... I take naps... you get the point.

Well. That's all folks. Peace out and have a fabu weekend.

What Kind of Person Attracts You

Good question. What kind of person attracts me. This is a good topic, I'll share with you all what attracts me and maybe you can hook a girl up... maybe... er... j/k... kinda... yeah... definitely kidding... (red faced and embarassed)...

First of all, we all know physical attraction is a must. I don't really have a physical "type" but I have to want to show you off to my friends and feel proud to go out in public with you. Does this make me shallow? Yes. Am I okay with that? Yes. I'm not saying you have to look like a Abercrombie model, I'd really rather you didn't. I want to feel good about myself too and who needs that kinda pressure!

***Side note. I dated a guy once who told me he used to date models but he's much happier dating regular chicks like me. Whuuuuh??? I think I just said the same thing. Maybe I shouldn't have cussed him out?

Okay, back on track. Sense of humor. If you can't laugh at yourself, at me or handle me laughing at you, then we will have a problem. I'm FUNNY and if you don't get my sarcastic, witty-if I do say so myself-sense of humor then you are definitely not for me. Must be smart! You cannot be dumb and kick it with me. You have to have common sense and book smarts. I'm not a genius, but I'm also not a dummy. I like to talk about serious subjects too and I like a good debate from time to time.

I think a mans man is sexy. Hunting, fishing, working on the car and fixing things around the house. (I have just described most of my friends husbands and half my male fb friends). I have never actually dated a man like this, but if you have pics like these on fb I have seen them and I have checked them out. They're my porn! Totally kidding! Seriously, I'm totally kidding!)!

Have a backbone. Stand up for yourself and don't let me (or anyone else) walk all over you. Don't take me for granted and don't be afraid to shower me with gifts. Seriously. I'm not talking about big ticket items. Things like flowers just because, a coffee or lunch delivered to work, a book I happened to mention I'd like to read. It really is the little things. A text message to tell me you're thinking about me is nice, oh but don't think you can get away with only communicating through text. You have to make an effort.

You have to get along with my friends. They know me, they love me, they will always be in my life. You don't have to LOVE all of them, but there are a few key people that you should make an effort to bond with. No I'm not going to tell you who they are, that would make things way too easy and not nearly as fun for them! I think they must look at this as some kind of sport, if I were them I would.

If you are a father you should be actively involved in your kids lives (and enjoy it) and if you pay child support you should do so without complaining. They are YOUR kids!

Lastly, I'm obviously not perfect but you should think I'm pretty great. Have you seen Juno? Well, this quote kinda sums it up:

"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you, the right person is still going to think the sun shines out your ass. That's the kind of person that's worth sticking with."

How Have You Changed In The Past Two Years

Whew! How haven't I changed??? Well...

Through a series of events that included an unhealthy relationship, Oprah (yes, Oprah) a conversation with my mother and memories of a tumultuous childhood I decided that I needed THERAPY! The unhealthy relationship led me to some childhood flashbacks, Oprah happened to have an episode that hit frighteningly close to home and as I was discussing it (Oprah, not the relationship) with my mother over the phone in the middle of Fred Meyer I realized I needed HELP! I think the breaking down in uncontrolable sobs is what gave it away...

I started therapy in April 2010 and in the first six months I could feel myself becoming stronger, more self-confident and happier. I also began to see who in my life was happy, or not, with the changes in me. I found myself wanting to be a better friend, mother, sister, daughter, co-worker, etc. My primary goal became: When I go to bed at night I want to know that I lived the best life I could today. I want to be someone I would want to be friends with. In short, I changed my focus to me because I was learning that if I made me happy I would make the people who love me happy.

In the last two years I have: become a better mother, become a better friend, weeded out unhealthy relationships, formed new friendships, learned that I attract what I am (and I have been attracting some fabulous people), learned to stand up for myself without apologizing for it, become more trustworthy, learned to set up healthy boundaries, learned to advocate for myself to get my needs met, learned to "give it to God" and stress less, become more open minded, learned how to respectfully agree to disagree, learned how to say goodbye to people that I love (because sometimes things just don't work out), learned that I cannot be responsible for anyone's happiness but my own and learned that all I owe anyone is my honesty.

I have grown so much in the last two years, yet I am nowhere near where I want to be. I have goals and I have dreams and now I feel much better equipped to go after them. I still have my insecurities and I probably always will, but now I am more willing to face them because becoming the person I want to be is more important than the shame I carried around for 36 years.

Weird Things You Do When You're Alone

Hmmm... I don't think I'm that weird. I should say I don't think the things I do when I'm alone are that weird. I save my weirdness for public spectacle.

I like to tweeze and wax. I don't like to do it, but it passes the time. Waxing the stache and the uni-brow are a must and those are just things you don't want to do in the presence of company. I have to do this sometimes when DJ is home and I just shut the bathroom door. We never shut the bathroom door so when she sees that she knows something unpleasant must be going down.

I stalk. Specifically, I facebook stalk. There is nothing weird about this, although it might be a little creepy. My latest obsessions are... uhhh... never mind. All you need to know is that I often look up people from my past so I can see what they've been up to. Sometimes I want to know that I'm happier than them, sometimes I truly want to know that they are doing well. I also might want to check out a friend of a friend and see what their story is. If we're fb friends, chances are I've stalked you or someone who commented on one of your statuses. Yeah, I said statuses!

I give myself pedicures. I break out the home foot spa, pumice stone and all the goodies that go along with it to make my lower digits look fab. Gross toes are a pet peeve and if my toes don't look good I can't wear sandals or flip flops.

I think of my enemies and have conversations with them in my head. In these conversations I am most witty and I always, always get the best of them. Sometimes the conversations are do-overs where maybe I didn't have the best comebacks so I have to redeem myself.

I look up recipes online. I put recipes into my fitness pal (mfp) for use at a later date. I figure out exactly how many calories I will burn if I actually get up and exercise. I shop online but don't usually buy; I do add a lot of stuff to my Amazon wish list (it's public btw. Just in case you wanna surprise me). I update FB repeatedly... like, almost constantly. I make lists of things I should be doing. I balance my checkbook. I examine the animals for injury (you never know). I research diabetes. I think about food. I spend a lot of time naked. I do everything naked when I'm alone.

Well, there you have it. I'm not that weird, right?

I'm doing it again 30-Day Blog Challenge #2

...no. I didn't finish the last one. I will though, I promise. I have a problem finishing things. According to my therapist it's the fear of commitment thing. Fear of failure. I feel the need to be perfect and I'm so consumed by the fear of not completing something perfectly that I become paralyzed and am unable to complete it at all, therefore creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. I'm awesome, right?

Anyway, this 30-day challenge looks more fun than the last. The real reason I haven't finished the last one though is that I have to put my iPod on shuffle and list what the first 10 songs are. I keep forgetting to do the blog at home and to bring the iPod to work. If I were super motivated I would remember... but it will get done. I also have this little bit of fear that my music might not be "cool enough". Yes, I am that insecure sometimes. As much as I have a fear of messing things up, I also hate loose ends; things left incomplete bug the hell out of me. So rest assured. You will get to find out what's on the ol' iPod.

So. Here it is. The next 30-day challenge:

1. Weird things you do when you’re alone.
2. How have you changed in the past 2 years?
3. What kind of person attracts you.
4. What you wear to bed.
5. 5 things that irritate you about the opposite sex/same sex.
6. The person you like and why you like them.
7. Your opinion on cheating on people.
8. Something you’re currently worrying about.
9. Your last kiss.
10. Your views on drugs and alcohol.
11. Your currently relationship, if single discuss how single life is.
12. Things you want to say to an ex.
13. A date you would love to go on.
14. Something disgusting you do.
15. The best things to happen to you this week.
16. 3 things you are proud of about your personality.
17. Things that make you scared.
18. Disrespecting parents.
19. Something that never fails to make you feel better.
20. The last argument you had.
21. Something you can’t seem to get over.
22. 10 things about you people don’t really expect.
23. Something you always think “what if…” about
24. Things you want to say to 5 different people.
25. 10 ways to win your heart.
26. Your religious beliefs.
27. Talk about your siblings.
28. The month you were happiest this year why.
29. A picture of yourself.
30. What changed this month and what you hope will happen next month.

Today is officially Day 1 according to: www.30daychallenges.net so I guess I'll be back on later to let you know all the weird stuff I do when I'm alone.

See you soon.

Dueces!