30 Day Blog Challenge (Day 10)

Something You're Afraid Of

I've been thinking about this post for a while. Turns out - I'm afraid of a lot of things, my biggest fears though revolve around DJ. It's not that she has diabetes and what that can bring, it's not that she'll make poor choices and ruin her life, it's not even that she'll hate me. It is inevitible that her diabetes will bring chaos to our lives, she will make poor choices and she hates me at least once a week.

My greatest fear is that something will happen and I won't be able to be here for DJ. My own childhood was not perfect (is there such a thing?), but my mother loved me and was always there for me. DJ is lucky enough to have two parents that love her and want her 100% of the time and I am lucky enough that I get to raise her most of the time. When DJ was in third grade I was going through a divorce and, of course, with divorce comes debt. I was working hard to pay off debt so DJ went to live with her dad for a year. I was working three jobs the year she was gone, so I could pay down the debt and be able to provide for her when she came back home.

That year DJ was gone I was home long enough to sleep and that is about it. No matter what I was doing I was alsways thinking about DJ; I cried almost every day because I missed her so much. As a mother it is my job to provide for this child, care for her, love her, show her direction and teach her values. What would DJ do if she didn't have me? I know DJ would be fine, there are so many people that love her and would take care of her. My thought is this: How would she feel? Part of this probably comes from losing my own father, but I never want DJ to feel the kind of heartbreak that comes with losing one of your parents at a young age. I know what will be will be, but this is my fear. I just want DJ to grow up and have a life of her own, a family of her own, so she will be okay when something does happen to me or her father.

Is this morbid? I hope not. I really tried to think of something else to write about, but this is the thing that kept coming to mind.